Who would have thought?

I’ve heard a lot of views about 2016. How horrible it was to our world entertainment industry, losing so many beloved actors, actresses and technical crew. Everything from dabbing to the bottle flip and an obsession with a gorilla, and a shock presidential win, 2016 was an odd one.

My 2016 was very different to most, it was a rebuilding year. It was a year to find my feet again. To find trust, in myself, in friends, in love, in my career… I haven’t shared my full story of 2015 with many people, but I believe it’s time I start talking.

2015 was a low point for me. I was in a job that I actually liked doing (for the most part) but the environment was terrible.  A toxic place that went through staff like the front door was revolving. The staff were treated as sweat shop workers (paid about the same too), not valued for what they were capable of and their intelligence taken advantage of. The boss was a bully and while most knew about it they didn’t have to bear the brunt of it.

I did, I was verbally and emotionally abused on a daily basis. Everything was my fault, every small problem or issue was the world ending and I was to blame. I was told I couldn’t do my job, that I wasn’t smart enough to do my job. I was continually compared to past employees and was told on more than one occasion I was being kept on out of pity. My clothing was policed and I was made to purchase a whole new wardrobe because my boss didn’t like how I dressed. I would put up with sexist remarks such as ‘women shouldn’t do hard labour work’ (I was taking the rubbish out to the skip at the time) and ‘don’t worry, well find you a smart husband’ as though getting married to someone who was smart and earned a lot of money was my life goal. It was assumed because I took care of a lot of the small daily operations of the office (as well as my usual work load) I never did any work.

I was promised training and help I never received and then got in trouble when I did make mistakes due to the massive amounts of work I was trying to make my way through on my own. Two people had left the office and instead of hiring someone else their work was divided between me and another person in the office.

When I did ask for a pay raise to compensate for the extra work I had taken on I was belittled and reprimanded for even asking such a question (even though I had changed jobs within the company- promoted apparently-, had been promised a significant pay rise and had yet to receive the ‘full benefit’). My hard work, dedication and kind nature were being taken advantage of thinly veiled under the guise of ‘hard work will get you places’ and ‘just keep working, you will learn how to do the job’, all while seeing unbelievable double standards all around me. One staff member would walk in the front door every day and marvel that I was still there. They were expecting every day to walk in and find I had left over night because of what I put up with on a daily basis.

Don’t get me wrong I had friends and advocates in the room. 3 people in particular were absolute God sends during that time. I wouldn’t know what I would have done without them. One was the one who pushed me to get help, taking me through step by step on how. She saw one particularly bad day and made me go home due to my mental state that day (I had been yelled at over the phone for not prioritising a particular activity and was on the brink of a panic attack). These people kept me sane and fought for me wherever they could. That is the mark of true friendship right there, when given the chance to talk bad about you behind your back and they fight for you the whole way. I have said thank you them in the past but I don’t know if they realise how much they saved me during that time. So I and E, if you’re reading this- thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I would go as far to say I owe my life to both of you. J reminded me home is a place of comfort and kept me laughing. She still does.

The day I made the decision to leave was a yelling over the phone day. I had been accused of something I didn’t do, was told I couldn’t be trusted and I had broken staff policy due to this incident I hadn’t actually done. My words had been twisted to the point I knew they were mine but couldn’t work out how I could have ever said something like that. I handed in my office key, left early and drove straight to Headspace. I don’t actually remember much of the drive home (which I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing) I was in such a bad state of mind I don’t know how I got anywhere. I pulled into the car park on Nind street and promptly ran up the stairs begging for help. Once being told I would receive it, it was such a shock to my system I would actually receive the help I had been begging for for god knows how long I burst into tears. And began my journey to 2017.

I ended 2015 broken, a shell of the person I knew I could be. I knew I had to take the time to rebuild myself, to learn how to trust myself again. Take the time for me, to be selfish and remind myself I wasn’t the failure I had been made to believe I was.

2016 began with a new job, new friends and the relinquishing of some old ones because I couldn’t cope with the connections or some of the assumptions they made of me (I knew I was strong but having someone shove it down my throat that I just needed to get over it and push myself further than I needed to was too much to hear).

It took a while to believe that I was in a good place, I remember almost going into a fully-fledged anxiety attack because I was pulled aside at my new job to be spoken to (turns out they wanted to give me an extra shift) but my brain went with what it knew. I was hesitant to participate in group outings because I wasn’t sure if I could trust people, I wasn’t sure if I could trust myself. I was scared, I was fearful of life and of other people. I worked hard not because I wanted to impress people but it was what I knew and that was stable, that was known. When I did begin to impress people because I am a fast learner, I was hesitant to accept compliments because it was so different to what I had known. And when I did want to impress people it was because I didn’t want to leave and be that person I was before.

But patience prevailed and I started growing stronger as a person, I started learning how to trust again. I made new friends and deepened relationships with others. Best friends became family, I learned the importance of family and stability. I began to learn how to love myself again, how to articulate my thoughts again and stand up for myself when I didn’t like how I was being treated or spoken to. I began to realise the difference between my old toxic life and my new life. My safe life.

Work became a place where I could ask questions and make mistakes to learn from. They are a work family in every sense of the words.

My theatre family grew and extended, full of so many beautiful people I would have never thought I would have the privilege of knowing, let alone loving. There were struggles in 2016, but considering where I was in 2015 I knew I had to be patient with myself and with my circumstances.

2016 hasn’t been perfect, I have cried and stressed and made mistakes of my own. Yet I wouldn’t have it any other way. I knew I had to start rebuilding from the bottom. I had to start with a solid base and foundation of looking after myself, knowing to trust myself and my abilities, relearning to listen to me. Once I had that started then I could test the waters with other activities.

I moved out on my own, becoming fully independent for the first time in my life. I stage managed a show on my own and dealt with that side of theatre for the first time in a while. I learned to not be quiet when I want to speak out, to not be afraid to say what I feel and mean what I say. I am learning to not feel guilty when I say no, and how to put myself first for a change.

I don’t tell my story to gain sympathy or attention. I tell my story because I know I’m not the only one who goes through this. I tell my story to let others know they’re not alone. People struggle every single day and social media generally tells a very different story of what is actually happening in people’s lives. Everyone sees my theatre life. Everyone knows how much joy it brings me. But this is the reason it brings so much joy, its juxtaposed with what I deal with every day. I do what I love and I love what I do, to make sure I’m happy, to make sure I'm safe and sane.

So to everyone I interacted with in 2016, thank you for even the smallest amount of light you brought to my world. Every little bit of it helped to become the person who I am and will be in 2017. Thank you especially to the Specsavers Australia Fair team, you are all amazing in every way shape and form. Thank you to Spotlight Theatre Company for believing in me when I was having trouble believing in myself. Thank you to my family, even though the times I see you are few and far between I love the fact I am a part of your lives and get to share in everything you do. Thank you to my theatre family for making me laugh and feel loved. And last but not least thank you to Matt, my best friend and gay husband, without whom my 2016 would have been pretty boring and far less sober.

2016, was finding my feet and standing again. It was never going to be spectacular but it was what i needed. 

Bring on 2017 in all its glory, whatever happens.   

-K

xo

I'm not my mental illness. But I am.

I have a mental illness. I've had a mental illness for a very long time. I've denied it, I've hid it, I've suffered with it, I've been proud of it, I've used it. It's been pretty, it's been sad, it's been tough, it's been a saviour, it's been horrid, it's been hard, it's been around, it's taken holidays, it's been on holidays with me. It's made me feel so many things under the sun I don't have enough time to write them all.

I used to be ashamed of my anxiety and depression. In fact part of me still is. And there is one simple reason for it. As soon as people find out my enemy is actually my thought process, I'm viewed differently. I'm not broken, but I'm impaired. I may not work. I could be a risk depending on my mood. At least that's what people think.
Here is the truth.
I know I have a mental illness, I know how it affects and effects me. I know how to manage it. I know how to manage me when I can't manage my mental illness. I know myself more than most people know themselves because of my mental illness. I can read and pin point the state of my emotions extremely accurately. I am not my mental illness. I have a mental illness. Just like when someone is physically sick and they know what they can and can't do. I know what I can and can't do. Most days I'm fine- I manage my head perfectly and I fit in with 'normal' (well as normal as I'll ever get). Some days are harder and people notice that something is off. Other days are bad and those are the days I know how to handle myself cause I can't handle my head.

I am not my mental illness. But I am. My mental illness doesn't define who I am and what I'm capable of doing until it does. But trust me, unless I want you to know, you'll never know.
So next time I or someone in your life mentions they have a mental illness, know that I know myself better than you ever will and I will let you know if I can't do something (like jumping out of planes. Won't go there and you can't make me). Don't assume you're always helping. The thought counts yes, but imagine someone else continually moving tables out of the way of someone with a broken arm. Yes it's helpful, but after a while it just gets annoying. And easier to just walk around the tables.

Picture It...

I want you to picture something for me. Don't question it right now, just humour me. 

***trigger warning ahead***

Picture 33 women you know and care about in some way. Your mum, daughter/s, sister/s, aunt/s, neice/s, girlfriend/s, friends. Picture 33 of them. Think about how much you love for them- some obviously more then others. Just linger on that feeling for a while, how much these people mean to you. They may annoy you at times but they all have had an impact on your life. 

Now imagine a male standing next to them. Someone who they care about, a husband, boyfriend, father, friend... See the two of these people standing next to each other. You may know some of these males, you may be friends with some of these males. 

Now imagine those men turning to the women and killing them. Some beat these women until they can't breathe on their own. Some use objects- knives, cars, kitchen utensils. Some use their bare hands. Some turn the women's  minds against them to the point they kill themselves. 

Are you disturbed yet? Have you cringed? Do you not like thinking about this? Have I just made it too personal? 

If I have, then good. 

These are the facts 33 women have been killed in Australia this year. Each of these women personally knew the person who killed them. 

 

It's easy to take a step back and say, it's just 33 women, to say I don't know them so it doesn't matter to me. But what if you did know these women? Because they are all someone's daughter, someone's friend, someone's sister. 

This is got to stop. The time is now to open up these channels of communication and say enough is enough. How much harder would you fight if it was one of those women you pictured who were amount that 33? 

Men, how would you feel if you knew it was one of your family or friends who killed one of those women you just pictured? Would that change the way you currently view domestic violence? Would that change the way you currently act about it? 

I am not trying to blame or shame anyone (apart from those who intentionally hurt others), but I am asking the question of what needs to change in your life for you to pay attention? For you to do something? For you to stand up to friends, family, mates and say 'that's not cool'. Why does it take making it personal for a change to maybe happen? 

Keep in mind, 33 is just the number of women who have been killed by a significant other. The total number of women killed in Australia this year stands at 63. Add another 30 women you know to the original 33 you pictured. 

Make the change. Be the change. Enough is enough. 

You don't need to like me. I like me.

Here's another one for you all. 

So I've taken out this new policy with myself. If I'm feeling uncomfortable with the way you're treating me or talking to me I'm gonna do something about it. Now if I enjoy your company then it will generally be to dismiss what you say and hope you get the hint it was inappropriate. If that doesn't work the first time I'm gonna tell you it was inappropriate. If that still doesn't work I will call your shit out. The way you react is entirely on you. The fun part for me is watching how you react and make an absolute fool of yourself and oh boy did I have a doosy today that I want to tell you all about. 

I was talking to a 'friend' who has been known to objectify me in the past and who has apologised for doing so. I always enter conversations with this person carefully. A conversation ensued. Objectivity ensued. I ignored it. He asked why I ignored it. I said it wasn't his place to comment. He said he didn't care he was going to comment anyway and I'd 'lost faith' in my looks. I said it didn't matter if I had or hadn't it wasn't up to him to restate whatever faith I had or hadn't lost. He said if I want to be known in the world I'd better get used to random people commenting on my body. I said people can comment all they want it doesn't mean I have to respond, hence why I ignored the comment to begin with. He made a quip about the demise of my looks. I called him on it. He called me judgemental, snooty and ignorant. Then blocked me. 

As I said, I get to laugh at the people who make fools of themselves. 

Now, even though this person won't read this (and yes there are people on my fb who know this person even though I'm not connected with him), let me make this clear. You don't get to make me comment on my body. If I want to respond to your comments I will. Cat calling me over the net is not on, not is it appreciated. Especially after I've made it clear you are not in the position to make such statements. People can comment all they want about me, I don't care what people have to say about me. But as soon as you start trying to pull me into your bullshit, I'm gonna a) call you on it and b) get the hell out of there. If you don't like it, tough luck. You don't deserve me.  

Okay, rant over. ☺️

Get angry, I don't care.

Okay, I've avoided saying anything on this so I'll say my view on this once and once only. The Bali 9 ringleaders are being led to their execution, a lot of people are saying they should be kept alive. I don't agree. Why? It basically comes down to stupid is as stupid does. These two men, who knew what the consequences would be- knowing full well Bali uses the death penalty- if they got caught, brought drugs into Indonesia. They got caught. So now they face the consequences they knew about to begin with. It's their own fault. Yes, there have been other people who have done the same thing and gotten away with it and they've been very bloody lucky. But these guys got caught. Not to mention the effects those drugs could have had on the streets and how many lives were saved by catching these guys. These two were the ring leaders, they got other people involved to knowingly break the law. If Indonesians did the same thing in our country then they would be punished in our legal system, why are we asking Indo to change their rules for our people when we wouldn't do the same for them? I'm feel for the families who will be losing loved ones, but the two men themselves only got what was coming to them. #sorrynotsorry 

Happy?

I, as a white female in my almost mid 20's get told on a daily basis through every media outlet I am privy to that I should be happy. I should be happy with the way I look regardless of what society says. I should be happy with my group of friends because I am lucky to have people around me.  I should be happy that I'm single because it means that I have the chance at finding myself and being more happy about myself. I should be happy with my life because I am alive. I should be happy to be happy because I have the chance to. And I am selfish if I don't feel that way. I am a lucky girl who lives in a lucky world so I should be happy about it. No pressure. 

This consistent insistence on being happy is driving me nuts. But how do I say that without sounding like a ungrateful, spoiled little girl? How about like this. Stop telling me to be happy. 

I am allowed to have hang ups about my body (no matter what anyone tells me I will never like my thighs being the size they currently are), I am allowed to feel lonely and in need of night time company. I am allowed to feel sad and let my personal issues get the better of me. I am allowed to feel like people are sometimes too much for me and I don't want anyone around. I am allowed to wallow in self pity. It doesn't mean I will be in that state forever, but just because I am having a bad day or I'm not insatiably ecstatic about the sunrise doesn't mean I'm not mentally stable enough to get through life (also I'm pretty sure while on my death bed I will be able to count the times I will have been insatiably ecstatic about the sunrise on one hand). 

When did our society become so hung up on being happy? I know a lot has been happening in the world that makes people want to turn away and fill their lives with the niceties. Or are we as a society still trying to achieve that elusive 'American Dream' prefect life (insert your own nationality). Or is it a little closer to home? The narcissistic nature of social media that pushes for everyone to have the better life, so- heaven forbid- nothing should be out of place and online your life should be perfect. Maybe that's what it is. You are so intent on making sure your high school rival or crush sees what an amazing time you're having without them that you make life annoying difficult for everyone else (see it sounds annoyingly spoiled, bratty and 'what about poor old me'. But tell me I'm wrong!). So you have to be happy. All the time. And so does everyone else because sharing is caring and you need to make sure that everyone else knows how happy you are so they can be just as happy as you. 

Interestingly enough there have been quite a few studies done on this exact subject. Most come to the conclusion that actually yes, playing out the perfect, care free, I'm always feeling amazing online life is detrimental to not only your mental health but the mental health of those around you. My mental health I hear you say? Yep, your mental health. You know what your life is like and pretending otherwise can be a factor in depression, anxiety, FMO syndrome (why can't my life be like I want it to be, I have to post the perfect thing otherwise everyone will know the truth, what if I miss something while I'm not online and can't let people know what I think). There have also been links to technology addiction stemming from the insistence of the perfect life. The flip side being those who see your so called 'perfect life' do get jealous and wonder if it is so easy to attain that brilliantly wonderful life you have, why don't they have it too? There must be something wrong with them if it only take a few yoga poses and beach trips to get you so terrifically high on life you're perpetually on cloud 9. Again, no pressure. 

So thank you yoga girl silhouetted against the sunrise and you free for all curly haired chick on my Instagram feed and you too, perfectly aligned spiritual colourful person to my left, I'm gonna sit here, bitch about my thighs and watch Smallville on repeat while I pray for my own superman to come bursting through the door and hope to god I wake up looking like Erica Durance (aka Lois Lane). Why? Because that makes me happy, well happy enough. 

Here we go again.

Wow, so I uh, haven't posted in a while.... Oops! 

Oh well. I'm back here again and hopefully gonna be posting more. 

Eh, let's be honest. I will post when I post and if that's almost 10 months in between postings, so be it :) 

#YesAllWomen

Now I normally don't jump on twitter bandwagons but this one is different. This one is raising a HUGE issue that many women face every single day. There have been other ways of trying to get this across to the general public (mainly the male populace), but it hasn't yet completely worked- I personally loved the french video that switched gender roles to show exactly what happens in day to day life, see that gem here (Oppressed Majority). heads up you do need to be over 18 to view that one. But the fact remains that women are still paid less than men, women are still expected to 'be there' for men, that dress codes are pointed out to women, that we are taught to expect crude comments and get told to 'take them as compliments', that if we do complain we are hysterical, that saying this makes me a feminist and 'why don't I just go and sleep with women if men offend me so much.' (yes, that is a quote). The fact remains that women are taught how to not get raped, yet boys and men are not taught to not rape. The fact remains that I have to be careful about how I dress and where (some of this is valid- I'm not gonna rock up to a job interview in sweats, but it also doesn't mean I should have to show the little cleavage I have to simply get the job.) And I have to be careful about what exactly I say when I'm out having fun. A guy grabs my ass and says I should feel good about myself? Yeah, think again. You grab my ass and I want to deck you (but I can't do that cause it's not lady like). Every woman I know has stories of being objectified daily. Yes daily. And for the men out there who don't believe me, who sit there reading this (if they've even gotten this far anyway, thank you to those who have) and say that I'm whining, take note of how often you personally say 'I wish I could do this or that (insert your own crude message in there) to that babe', 'I'm not gonna be happy if I don't get some tonight, I'm gonna make sure I get some tonight'... or others of the sort. Now imagine you being on the receiving end of that. We live in a culture where a guy not getting what he wants is more important than a women having control over her body. We live in a culture where if someone gets raped, they have to question if it had happened cause 'was I asking for it?' 'is it okay to say no at any time?' 'can I change my mind?' 'it was only sort of rape'. THIS NEEDS TO STOP. Lets get one thing straight guys if a girl says no- at any point- it means no. it means stop. it means fuck off (excuse the language).
This gets to me cause I have been in those situations. I have said no and a guy has kept going, I have been scared for my life walking down a street at night, I have been in a relationship where a guy can ask for anything he wants but as soon as I voice one opinion about what I want, I'm being clingy and needy and 'a girl'. I'm not saying this to get sympathy, I'm saying it to show that, guess what, it happens everyday to every woman.
so yes, this discussion needs to be had. have that discussion with your children, sons, brothers, dads, mums, parents, sisters, nieces, nephews, cause its not on and I'm no longer gonna sit back and let it happen. #yesallwomen are strong

It's not cute.

I saw a Facebook post before showing a video in which a spider was supposedly being cute. Let me get one thing straight. Spiders are not cute. They are not cute. Or lovely. Or gorgeous. Or wonderfully incredible. They are horrid and scary and gross and shudder inducing. And horrid. They all need to die (and while yes I get that is that actually happened then the world would collapse as we know it. However, they can just stay the hell away from me. Cause they are not cute. They're horrid. 

Let it Go (no, really, let it go)

I have a bone to pick. Actually I have a bone to pick with wellbehavedmormanwoman (who we find out isn't so well behaved after all- remember how Jesus said to love everyone and not slander nor discriminate, and yes I believe that is in The Book of Morman- the actual book not the musical...). So I read a blog post she wrote on the movie Frozen in which she claimed the whole film was a pro-gay movie and while it was naively enjoyable any self respecting person who actually truly cared about their children will not go and see it, let alone endorse anything from it. (Read her full post here) Okay, I understand the whole wanting kids to be kids debate and the over-sexualisation of our society (that's a post for a different time). I'm all with you on that- not that she actually says anything about it in this post. But to accuse a children's movie of corrupting kids due to a possible understanding of the actual story... I think you've gone a bit too far. Does this mean you won't show your children Cinderella because of the possible relationships between the mice? Who knows what was happening there!? Or what about The Princess and the Frog? The fact the the crocodile in that was not only living in the birth place of Mardi Gras but played Jazz- the devils music of the 40's and 50's- must make you want to gag! Or lets look at Snow White... Guess where I'm going with that one. My point is if you want to find something- you will find it. And fine, if you don't want your children or grandchildren watching the movie/s that is entirely your prerogative. However, let me let you in on a few things.

The 'Gay Agenda'.
Everyone is equal and deserves to be equal- whether you like it or not. Just because you put yourself on a pedestal above others does not mean others want to be up there with you, nor does it mean you're entitled to be up there. You are no better or worse than those around you- gay or not. Also notice how if things were turned around how upset you would be- if anyone who doesn't 'believe' in gay marriage and relationships (I put that in quotation marks due to the absurdity that the union and love between two people should have to be believed by anyone else. It also pains me to write gay marriage simply because I don't see it as gay marriage or relationships- I see it as marriage and relationships.) were told they couldn't marry or be with the person they love due to someone else's opinion of who they are, there would be so much controversy! oh wait... *Insert extremely sarcastic look here*.

Bible View... (she pulls it out several times being of the LDS (Mormon) faith.
I know what it says in Leviticus 18:22 (yes I actually know what I'm talking about) but check out John 13:34-35 for me. For those who don't own or can't be bothered picking up their bible, this is what it says (and its all in red meaning Jesus is the one saying it) "A new commandment I give you, Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know you are my disciples, if you love one another." I'm pretty sure that's saying since Jesus loved you no matter what 'sin' you committed, you are love everyone in the same matter. And if you look all through out the bible, there are so many references to Jesus actually going up to the people who were ostracised, outcast, rejected and shunned by humanity and loving them the way they were meant to be loved. Helping them they way they needed and deserved to be helped. Accepting them the way they deserved to be accepted. Did he agree with everything they were doing? No. But did he protest and regulate them? Did he discriminate and slander them? Again, a resounding No.

Okay, back to Frozen.
Movies and art are created to evoke a response. So congratulations, you did exactly what the filmmakers wanted in the first place. Not the response they were hoping for, but a response nonetheless (and yes, I am well aware I am doing the same thing, now let me finish). I'm pretty sure you will find the themes and messages behind Frozen are far more kosher than what you want to believe. Instead of portraying messages of homosexual propaganda I'm 150% sure the writers were trying to create a new Disney world in which true love was not between someone you just met and had to leave your family for, but rather that family is the most important thing in anyone's life.
Elsa questions and declines Anna's decision to marry someone she just met because she cares for her and knows a little more about the world than her innocent sister. I believe this shows people who love you will do  things for your own good even when you believe they are not- parents and grown kids, does this sound familiar? (and we all know Hans was the major douche of the entire movie. Proving that people aren't always what you expect them to be. I read a great perspective on this from Idena Menzel who actually voices Elsa, She said she loved what the movie did with Hans. She was trying to teach her son that some people aren't who they say they are, but it was quite difficult due to most cartoons the 'bad guy' is quite recognisable and easy to spot. Watching Frozen with him it helped that conversation in ways she couldn't have don on her own and gave him a point of reference for what she was talking about). It also contradicts pretty much all of Disney's other movies, and there is a lot to be said in that.
The actual song 'Let it Go' is another point of contention among a lot of religious groups, the best response I've heard so far is from Seth Adam Smith who so eloquently said Gasp! There ARE Hidden Messages in Disney's Frozen! This is the link to the post and brings up the rest of my points on this song and why those say there is only ever one meaning behind things are being ridiculous.

Besides, you wouldn't get AMAZING covers of the beautiful wonderful song, like this! (This is my all time favourite cover of this song!)

Anyway, I've probably badgered on about this long enough now. Enjoy The Piano Guys!
K
xo