I have a mental illness. I've had a mental illness for a very long time. I've denied it, I've hid it, I've suffered with it, I've been proud of it, I've used it. It's been pretty, it's been sad, it's been tough, it's been a saviour, it's been horrid, it's been hard, it's been around, it's taken holidays, it's been on holidays with me. It's made me feel so many things under the sun I don't have enough time to write them all.
I used to be ashamed of my anxiety and depression. In fact part of me still is. And there is one simple reason for it. As soon as people find out my enemy is actually my thought process, I'm viewed differently. I'm not broken, but I'm impaired. I may not work. I could be a risk depending on my mood. At least that's what people think.
Here is the truth.
I know I have a mental illness, I know how it affects and effects me. I know how to manage it. I know how to manage me when I can't manage my mental illness. I know myself more than most people know themselves because of my mental illness. I can read and pin point the state of my emotions extremely accurately. I am not my mental illness. I have a mental illness. Just like when someone is physically sick and they know what they can and can't do. I know what I can and can't do. Most days I'm fine- I manage my head perfectly and I fit in with 'normal' (well as normal as I'll ever get). Some days are harder and people notice that something is off. Other days are bad and those are the days I know how to handle myself cause I can't handle my head.
I am not my mental illness. But I am. My mental illness doesn't define who I am and what I'm capable of doing until it does. But trust me, unless I want you to know, you'll never know.
So next time I or someone in your life mentions they have a mental illness, know that I know myself better than you ever will and I will let you know if I can't do something (like jumping out of planes. Won't go there and you can't make me). Don't assume you're always helping. The thought counts yes, but imagine someone else continually moving tables out of the way of someone with a broken arm. Yes it's helpful, but after a while it just gets annoying. And easier to just walk around the tables.
