I’ve heard
a lot of views about 2016. How horrible it was to our world entertainment
industry, losing so many beloved actors, actresses and technical crew. Everything
from dabbing to the bottle flip and an obsession with a gorilla, and a shock
presidential win, 2016 was an odd one.
My 2016 was
very different to most, it was a rebuilding year. It was a year to find my feet
again. To find trust, in myself, in friends, in love, in my career… I haven’t
shared my full story of 2015 with many people, but I believe it’s time I start
talking.
2015 was a
low point for me. I was in a job that I actually liked doing (for the most
part) but the environment was terrible. A
toxic place that went through staff like the front door was revolving. The staff
were treated as sweat shop workers (paid about the same too), not valued for
what they were capable of and their intelligence taken advantage of. The boss
was a bully and while most knew about it they didn’t have to bear the brunt of
it.
I did, I was
verbally and emotionally abused on a daily basis. Everything was my fault,
every small problem or issue was the world ending and I was to blame. I was
told I couldn’t do my job, that I wasn’t smart enough to do my job. I was
continually compared to past employees and was told on more than one occasion I
was being kept on out of pity. My clothing was policed and I was made to
purchase a whole new wardrobe because my boss didn’t like how I dressed. I
would put up with sexist remarks such as ‘women shouldn’t do hard labour work’
(I was taking the rubbish out to the skip at the time) and ‘don’t worry, well
find you a smart husband’ as though getting married to someone who was smart
and earned a lot of money was my life goal. It was assumed because I took care
of a lot of the small daily operations of the office (as well as my usual work
load) I never did any work.
I was
promised training and help I never received and then got in trouble when I did
make mistakes due to the massive amounts of work I was trying to make my way
through on my own. Two people had left the office and instead of hiring someone
else their work was divided between me and another person in the office.
When I did
ask for a pay raise to compensate for the extra work I had taken on I was
belittled and reprimanded for even asking such a question (even though I had
changed jobs within the company- promoted apparently-, had been promised a
significant pay rise and had yet to receive the ‘full benefit’). My hard work,
dedication and kind nature were being taken advantage of thinly veiled under
the guise of ‘hard work will get you places’ and ‘just keep working, you will
learn how to do the job’, all while seeing unbelievable double standards all
around me. One staff member would walk in the front door every day and marvel
that I was still there. They were expecting every day to walk in and find I had
left over night because of what I put up with on a daily basis.
Don’t get
me wrong I had friends and advocates in the room. 3 people in particular were
absolute God sends during that time. I wouldn’t know what I would have done
without them. One was the one who pushed me to get help, taking me through step
by step on how. She saw one particularly bad day and made me go home due to my
mental state that day (I had been yelled at over the phone for not prioritising
a particular activity and was on the brink of a panic attack). These people
kept me sane and fought for me wherever they could. That is the mark of true
friendship right there, when given the chance to talk bad about you behind your
back and they fight for you the whole way. I have said thank you them in the
past but I don’t know if they realise how much they saved me during that time.
So I and E, if you’re reading this- thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I would
go as far to say I owe my life to both of you. J reminded me home is a place of
comfort and kept me laughing. She still does.
The day I made
the decision to leave was a yelling over the phone day. I had been accused of
something I didn’t do, was told I couldn’t be trusted and I had broken staff
policy due to this incident I hadn’t actually done. My words had been twisted
to the point I knew they were mine but couldn’t work out how I could have ever
said something like that. I handed in my office key, left early and drove
straight to Headspace. I don’t actually remember much of the drive home (which
I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing) I was in such a bad state
of mind I don’t know how I got anywhere. I pulled into the car park on Nind
street and promptly ran up the stairs begging for help. Once being told I would
receive it, it was such a shock to my system I would actually receive the help I
had been begging for for god knows how long I burst into tears. And began my
journey to 2017.
I ended 2015
broken, a shell of the person I knew I could be. I knew I had to take the time
to rebuild myself, to learn how to trust myself again. Take the time for me, to
be selfish and remind myself I wasn’t the failure I had been made to believe I was.
2016 began
with a new job, new friends and the relinquishing of some old ones because I couldn’t
cope with the connections or some of the assumptions they made of me (I knew I was
strong but having someone shove it down my throat that I just needed to get
over it and push myself further than I needed to was too much to hear).
It took a
while to believe that I was in a good place, I remember almost going into a fully-fledged
anxiety attack because I was pulled aside at my new job to be spoken to (turns
out they wanted to give me an extra shift) but my brain went with what it knew.
I was hesitant to participate in group outings because I wasn’t sure if I could
trust people, I wasn’t sure if I could trust myself. I was scared, I was
fearful of life and of other people. I worked hard not because I wanted to
impress people but it was what I knew and that was stable, that was known. When
I did begin to impress people because I am a fast learner, I was hesitant to
accept compliments because it was so different to what I had known. And when I did
want to impress people it was because I didn’t want to leave and be that person
I was before.
But
patience prevailed and I started growing stronger as a person, I started
learning how to trust again. I made new friends and deepened relationships with
others. Best friends became family, I learned the importance of family and
stability. I began to learn how to love myself again, how to articulate my
thoughts again and stand up for myself when I didn’t like how I was being
treated or spoken to. I began to realise the difference between my old toxic
life and my new life. My safe life.
Work became
a place where I could ask questions and make mistakes to learn from. They are a
work family in every sense of the words.
My theatre
family grew and extended, full of so many beautiful people I would have never
thought I would have the privilege of knowing, let alone loving. There were
struggles in 2016, but considering where I was in 2015 I knew I had to be
patient with myself and with my circumstances.
2016 hasn’t
been perfect, I have cried and stressed and made mistakes of my own. Yet I wouldn’t
have it any other way. I knew I had to start rebuilding from the bottom. I had
to start with a solid base and foundation of looking after myself, knowing to
trust myself and my abilities, relearning to listen to me. Once I had that
started then I could test the waters with other activities.
I moved out
on my own, becoming fully independent for the first time in my life. I stage
managed a show on my own and dealt with that side of theatre for the first time
in a while. I learned to not be quiet when I want to speak out, to not be
afraid to say what I feel and mean what I say. I am learning to not feel guilty
when I say no, and how to put myself first for a change.
I don’t tell
my story to gain sympathy or attention. I tell my story because I know I’m not
the only one who goes through this. I tell my story to let others know they’re
not alone. People struggle every single day and social media generally tells a
very different story of what is actually happening in people’s lives. Everyone sees
my theatre life. Everyone knows how much joy it brings me. But this is the
reason it brings so much joy, its juxtaposed with what I deal with every day. I
do what I love and I love what I do, to make sure I’m happy, to make sure I'm safe and sane.
So to everyone
I interacted with in 2016, thank you for even the smallest amount of light you
brought to my world. Every little bit of it helped to become the person who I am and will be in 2017. Thank you especially to the Specsavers Australia Fair team, you are
all amazing in every way shape and form. Thank you to Spotlight Theatre
Company for believing in me when I was having trouble believing in myself. Thank
you to my family, even though the times I see you are few and far between I love
the fact I am a part of your lives and get to share in everything you do. Thank
you to my theatre family for making me laugh and feel loved. And last but not least
thank you to Matt, my best friend and gay husband, without whom my 2016 would
have been pretty boring and far less sober.
2016, was
finding my feet and standing again. It was never going to be spectacular but it was what i needed.
Bring on
2017 in all its glory, whatever happens.
-K
xo
